I’m new here, so if this isn’t the place to post something like this, I apologize and will post where appropriate.
Hi everyone, I would like to share the story of my beautiful girl Stella. Stella was larger than life, and captured my heart the moment I brought her home at 8 weeks old. She was such a joy to be around, and when I was with her, I always felt so important. I talked to her about everything, and she was always more than happy to listen. We shared so many fun times together. All the walks, all the playing, and especially all of the cuddles. Stella LOVED to cuddle, as did I. For most of her life, every time I got home from work, we’d nap together. She was my best friend.
In February of this year, we had brought her in for a teeth cleaning and also wanted a pea sized bump on her hind leg to be looked at. During her teeth cleaning, the vet aspirated it, and it didn’t look troubling, so they had it removed. Days later, the biopsy results came back, it was a Mast Cell Tumor. They strongly recommended putting her under again to get better margins, and I obliged. She ended up going under anesthesia again (the 2nd time in 9 days) as they took very large margins. After a couple of weeks, she was all healed up and we got back to life.
Later on that summer, starting in late June/early July, Stella started having accidents in the house. Ever since she was a pup, she would wet the bed in her sleep every 3 or 4 months, but we knew it was never intentional, we never worried about it and neither did our vet. During this summer, though, it became more frequent. It got to a point where she seemed to pee every time she fell asleep. So much so that she even peed on the couch at grandma and grandpa’s house, something she had never done. We spoke to our vet about it and they wanted to take a look at her urine.
At one point it was said that she had a UTI, and we started her on medication for it. The vet also prescribed DES capsules for the incontinence shortly after since her UTI appeared to clear up, but she was still having accidents. During this time, we had multiple waterproof bed liners, so it was never that big of a deal, we just had to wash the sheets and blankets more.
The DES capsules seemed to work mostly, so we were happy about that. Stella was such a proud dog, and she always seemed so disappointed in herself when she had an accident. As time went on, she started acting funny. She was starting to be a bit lethargic, didn’t bark as much (which she always liked to do) began to not want to come up stairs for after work naps as quickly (she’d always jump up at the sound of “nap time”).
We got in touch with the vet multiple times, and they were stumped. They did some blood work and nothing overly alarming was present, but they did say that her liver enzymes were a bit low. She was still happy to go on rides/walks and was eating and drinking normal.
It didn’t take long for her to get worse. In August, she started being unable to open her eyes. It started off slow, one day she could open them like normal, then one day she couldn’t. Going into September, it quickly got to the point where her iris/pupils weren’t even coming forward, even though her eyes were open. It’s like her eyes were sunken in the back of her head. We kept up with the vet about this, more blood work, nothing was found. One morning in the middle of September, I woke up to find her laying awake on the floor. This was highly unusual. She didn’t want her breakfast, and she appeared to be restless. She was circling around the house, couldn’t get comfortable, and kept laying in the corner by the front door. I’d seen enough, and I took her in.
The vet knew something was off, so they took an X-ray of her abdomen. They saw nothing. I believe at this point they instructed me to give her a Gabapentin and cook her up some chicken (she absolutely loved boiled chicken.) I followed their orders and took her home. I gave her a pain killer and cooked her chicken, and there was no change. She refused the chicken, and she was just as lethargic as before. Unable to get comfortable, circling around, all that. I took her back to the vet.
They took another X-ray, and this time they found gas trapped in her intestine. I told them it was extremely unlikely that she swallowed a toy or a sock or anything like that, so they suspected that her intestine had twisted. Stella was pexied when she was spayed as a pup, we always feared bloat. They told my girlfriend and I that they needed to go into emergency surgery or else she likely wouldn’t make it through the night. We didn’t even have to think about it, off to surgery we went.
The minutes seemed like hours as we waited for the call from the vet, we knew that exploratory surgery was risky. Around 7 that evening, they said she pulled through! We were so relieved. The joy was short lived, however, as they had troubling news. Her intestine wasn’t twisted, she had no obstruction, but they found several small white tumors along the inside of her intestine. They told us they thought it was cancer, and that we likely only had 3-4 weeks with her assuming she would eat.
The next day, we picked her up from the vet, just in shock. Days went on and she seemed to be healing up pretty well, but again she was in bad shape. Eyes to the back of her head, lethargy, discomfort, lack of appetite, etc. It was at this time that we thought we were going to lose her. We took her into the vet, and they had news for us. She didn’t have cancer! The biopsy showed that it was a disease called lymphangiectasia, and it was deemed to be a severe case. We didn’t know how to feel, but we were happy to hear that it was treatable. The vet gave us a guarded prognosis. With the diagnosis, they prescribed Prednisone, a steroid used to treat the lymphangiectasia.
We took her home, and immediately the steroid started to help. Her eyes could be seen again, and she could get comfortable, we were so relieved. She still wasn’t eating or drinking a whole lot, though, but more than she had been. Days later, she even started to eat a close to normal amount again, and she was cleared to begin going on car rides and small walks again. The improvement didn’t last.
Stella had a distended abdomen, and the lethargy/discomfort/hidden eyes were back. We took her in again, and the vet ordered an X-ray and an ultra sound. They found fluid in her abdomen as well as gas. On top of that, now they said she had developed Pancreatitis. The vet was worried that the fluid was from the intestine, meaning that her intestine wasn’t healing from the surgery and the only remedy would be to put her under again. This broke our hearts because when she was prescribed the prednisone, our vet told us it was a low dose because it could cause issues with her intestine healing properly. So to hear that it may not be healing correctly was devastating. Here we are treating her disease, but the treatment may have compromised her. We thought we were going to lose her again.
The vet drew some of the fluid and put it on a dish to see what kind of bacteria grew. We stayed at the vet with Stella that day, and towards the end, they said they were feeling good about the bacteria NOT being from the intestine (meaning that it was not compromised.) we were sent home. The next morning, we got the call that her intestine was ok! Once again, we dodged a bullet, and we were so happy.
At this point, we were 2 weeks removed from the surgery, and we were cleared to go on full length walks again! Stella still didn’t have a lot of strength, but she was happy to be at the park. Somethings were a bit off, like a squirrel running and scurrying right in front of her, but she seemingly didn’t see it, and she still wouldn’t bark hardly. At home and getting into the car, she needed some assistance. She needed a push to get up the ramp into the car, and she could no longer jump up on the bed (so we’d use the ramp I built her to help her there as well.) We had 4 promising days with this improved life, she was eating and drinking well, but again it didn’t last.
Before I go on further, I want to make a point on her medications and her eating habits. Between the prednisone, Clavamox, Rutin (a supplement) metronidazole, and cerenia, some days she was taking 20-25 pills a day. At the highest point, she was taking 28. At the lowest point, she was taking 12 or so. Since the exploratory surgery to free the trapped gas, she would sometimes go days only eating the equivalent of a single cans worth of food. With the lymphangiectasia, she could only eat prescription low fat food and/or boiled chicken.
On October 9th, she had a checkup, they wanted to do more blood work. She wasn’t doing too well that morning, but she was able to get into the car with assistance. What follows is an event that I’ll never forget. As we were taking her back for blood work (we were allowed to be with her when they did it to make her more comfortable) she started acting very odd. She was seemingly sniffing and looked very confused. Suddenly, she collapsed into a violent, full on grand mal seizure. All hands on deck, the vets and techs rushed to her, hooking her up to wires, injected her with Valium, and I don’t know what else. When she came to, she was so lost, and she cried. We were devastated. The seizure was so violent, she broke blood vessels in her left eye causing it to bulge.
I remember the vet saying something like “this just escalated things.” The day is somewhat of a blur, but I know that her heart appeared to be ok, and they had her put into their makeshift kennel (a gated section in the wall.) my girlfriend and I stayed in this kennel with her all day. At the end of the day, they said they needed to hold her, which was understandable. Our vet said that a brain tumor was a possibility, but she feared that Stella was too weak to go under anesthesia to have the MRI. I certainly didn’t want to run the risk of her not waking up, but in hindsight, I regret not having her head scanned. We left at 8 that evening, and Stella was so sedated that she hardly noticed, which made leaving her a bit easier.
The next morning, the vet called us and said they were still monitoring her, and asked if we could bring in some boiled chicken and egg whites for her since she was refusing the prescription wet food. I prepared the meal, and off to the vet we went to spend the day with her. Stella seemed a bit happier, but obviously not well. She ate a few pieces of chicken, but not much else. She was however drinking water a lot, something she hadn’t been doing much in the previous week. She had fevers on and off that day, so the vet would have ice packs placed under her and had fans blowing on her. The blood work showed that her heart and kidneys seemed to be ok, but her liver enzymes were a bit lower than the last time. They ordered another x Ray and ultrasound. Lungs looked ok, liver was a bit enlarged.
We were told that Stella wasn’t urinating or defecating for them, so they said maybe us going out with her and the tech would help. We went with her, and the way she was walking was incredibly sad. It’s as if she forgot how to move her legs, and she was very weak. She did end up peeing after about 10 minutes, but I know it wasn’t easy for her. We went back to her kennel and stayed with her as she rested.
Later on that day, she was having accidents in her kennel, which included diarrhea. Before we had to leave at closing time, we got to go out with her again, and she tried to defecate while standing upwards, causing diarrhea to be all over her bottom/tail. We came back in with her, cleaned her up, and then it was time for us to leave (we could only stay until closing time.) Unlike the previous night, Stella was well aware that we were leaving, and I could see the sadness in her eyes.
The next day, Thursday the 11th, we got a call in the morning that was concerning. Stella weighed in at 126 on Tuesday the 9th, and somehow by the 11th she gained 12 pounds up to 138. Fluid was leaking into her abdomen. They told us they wanted to drain the fluid, and they did. They said they got about 2 liters worth of fluid out. The fluid draw caused the majority of her abdomen to bruise terribly. The vet also said her blood work wasn’t great, as her platelet count was very low. They asked us if they could do a plasma transfusion. Again, we said ok. Anything to help her.
We were told that we could come see her, and the sight of her going through the transfusion really broke me. She received 5 bags or “units” of plasma, and they monitored her again. By all accounts, the transfusion went well, and she didn’t have a fever all day. Due to the IV, she was hydrated, and she ate just a little early afternoon. We told the vet that if her staying overnight again is instrumental to her recovery, then by all means keep her. That being said, we really did want to bring her home, because we could tell all these vet visits/needles/tests were beginning to take a toll on her mentally, as well as on us. The vet looked over her test results more, and agreed that there likely wasn’t a whole lot more that they could do there that we couldn’t do at home. They prescribed everything that she was on while being hospitalized, and they scheduled a follow up the next day.
When we left that day, she was still very weak, and couldn’t walk right. To this day, part of be believes the seizure really messed her up, but I’m not a doctor. She wasn’t able to get onto the ramp into my girlfriend’s car, even with assistance, so I went home and got my car that’s much lower to the ground. She struggled to get in my car, but we helped her and got her home. Once home, we had the entire living room made out to be a bed with blankets and such since we knew she wasn’t going to be able to go up and down the stairs or get into bed. Stella was able to get comfortable and sleep that night, but she wasn’t interested in food or water.
The next morning, we gave Stella her medications and tried to feed her, but she wasn’t interested. She did drink a little water. She spent most of the day laying down, as she couldn’t really get up. In fact, from the night of the 11th to the day of the 15th, Stella got up maybe 4 times a day, but only 3 times total on her own. We spoke to the vet, and explained how weak she was. The vet said that we could wait a couple more days before ordering more blood work since she was on the medications for her issues.
There wasn’t a lot of improving through the weekend. She would eat a little at times, then not again for a long while. She wanted to drink at little at times (a few licks here and there) then would go up to 12 hours without wanting water. There was no interest in toys, nor was there much interest in sun bathing (which she loved.) On Saturday, at one point while she was outside and trying to go pee, she fell down and didn’t even try to get up. I assisted her, and we got her back inside. She did have a loose poo on Saturday as well, she hadn’t tried since Wednesday night (when she got the diarrhea on her bottom). When she could pee, it would take her 5-10 minutes of constant circling to do so. When I would return from the store with more chicken for her, some times she would lift her head and perk her ears a bit, but sometimes she wouldn’t. She never tried to get up to greet me, something she always had done.
Given that she wasn’t eating the prescription food and would only eat the chicken sometimes, we didn’t want to risk hiding her pills in her chicken, because then she wouldn’t eat at all. Sadly, this meant we had to throw pills down her throat every time she was due for them. Stella wasn’t improving, but we kept trying to focus on the positives, even though they were few and far in between. The best thing that happened in her final days was she actually got herself up and came to eat on Saturday! She actually got up two times that day, within the same hour, and I was so incredibly proud of her, and a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Saturday the 13th was also when we had our first snow of the season, and that was a god send for her. Stella loved her snow treats, and being that she wouldn’t drink hardly, she was able to have some hydration due to the snow. That night, she acted strangely again. We got her up to go pee, and she stumbled into the kitchen near the dishwasher, and just stood in the corner. I got her to go into our gated back patio, and after all the circling, she didn’t pee, which wasn’t unusual anymore. When we tried getting her back in though, she went to the side of the sliding glass door and again, just stood there. It was as if she didn’t know that if she stood 4 inches to the left, she could come in. I had to gently pull her over, and then it’s like she remembered where she was, and ended up coming in. During these final days, we were checking her temperature every hour. Shortly after being home (Friday night or Saturday morning) she would develop fevers. We had a whole system of fans and ice packs ready when she got one, and it was heartbreaking to see her be so cold (she would shiver) but it was necessary.
Sunday, things got worse. I was on my way home from the store when my girlfriend called me in a panic, Stella was having another grand mal seizure. I raced home as fast as I could, and when I arrived only minutes after, the seizure had stopped. This was so devastating to us because when the first seizure struck at the vet on the 11th, our vet hoped it was stress related since we had been in and out of the vet’s office for weeks. That afternoon, more of the same, little to no eating, no drinking, no change in demeanor. More pills, more trying to get her to eat, more attempts at giving her water. She ate a little on Sunday around 4 pm, and that was it for the day.
Come Sunday night, it was my shift to stay awake and keep an eye on Stella, and she was in bad shape. She was just laying on her side, breathing a little strange, staring at the wall. I hoped that she was just sleeping with her eye open, and I slowly waved my hand in front of her, her eye reacted. I felt like she was in pain, even though she had taken a Gabapentin about 4 hours prior. As far as the breathing went, she would breath oddly from time to time in the final 1.5 weeks, but I wouldn’t call it “labored.” I asked the vet about it and she said it was probably pain related. I went outside to gather a small snowball for Stella, and she wouldn’t lift her head. So, I placed it in her mouth on top of her tongue, and she did nothing with it. It just...sat there. She didn’t even try to move it around, let alone swallow it. I woke my girlfriend up and we both continued to comfort her, until eventually Stella fell asleep.
4:30 Am Monday morning, and we woke in a frantic. Stella was having another seizure. At 6:30 AM, another. The vet opened at 8 and we called right away. We told them about what was happening and they said they were going to send a couple of techs out later that morning to take some blood. We asked about what we should do if she has another seizure, and they advised us to inject the Valium that they prescribed us into her rectal area. Around 9:30, we got her up, and we got her to eat a little! She actually ate about a whole turkey breast, again we were a little happy. This was progress.
Stella went back to her bed, and as she drifted off into sleep by 10:30 AM, another seizure. This was the 4th since Sunday afternoon, and the 3rd in 6 hours, each was getting worse than the last. Quickly, I did as the vet advised, and squirted the Valium into her anus.
The techs came out shortly after and drew some blood, and then we did what we became so accustomed to. We waited for the results. At noon, we got the call. Stella’s albumin levels were a little better, but she was dehydrated again. Her white blood cell count was higher than they ever recorded it, her liver enzymes were lower than they ever recorded them, and her platelet count was just about as low as it had been prior to the plasma transfusion. We were told previously by our vet that in the event that a dog has a low platelet count, they run the risk of bleeding out internally if they fall down or somehow hit their body on something. One of my biggest regrets is what I said next. I asked our vet “are we at the end of our rope here?” To which she replied “I think so.”
Throughout all of this, whenever the future seemed bleak, our vet was always the one who would say “this doesn’t look great, but let’s try this.” To hear her say “I think so” took the air right out of my chest. She said that she and her techs would make a house call that afternoon if we wanted to help Stella pass, and we agreed. At 2:30 pm on October 15th, I said goodbye to my best friend. My girlfriend and I petted her, told her how good of a girl she was, gave her kisses and kisses. I knew she could feel how nervous we were, and I remember asking her “Do you want to go to Heaven?” I said this with perkiness in my voice just to try to make her happy, but it killed me to say it. As the drug was about to be injected into her, Stella tried lifting her head to me, and I question if it was to make me stop what I was doing.
It’s been about 5 weeks since that day, and I’m over come with guilt. I’ve felt myself come close to having a mental break. I killed my best friend, and I don’t know how to live with myself. She was so strong, and she always beat everything. I robbed her of the chance to fight, even though I felt that her spirit was willing to keep fighting. I relive that final day over and over again, and it’s a nightmare. I know Stella couldn’t do anything that she loved, even simple things like sun bathing, but at least she could sleep. The final 3 seizures that she had all came in her sleep, waking her in a panic. The ONE THING that she still had was taken from her. I am so guilty over this, she had just turned 6 years old in July. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself, and maybe I shouldn’t. Stella was everything to me, and I let her go.
People say to me “if you decided to keep fighting, would it have been for you, or for her?” And I counter that with “was me letting her go for her, or for me?” How much did the fear of the situation come into play in my decision? I look back to that day, and even though she was miserable, I regret doing what I did. At the time, I felt strongly in my heart that it was time, that she didn’t deserve to suffer like this anymore with no recovery in sight, but I should’ve held on, I should’ve been strong like Stella. Hell, she actually ate that morning! I knew we probably weren’t going to be able to cure Stella of all her issues, but she still may have been able to get better enough to have quality in her life again. I took that possibility away from her. She was only 6 years old, what have I done.
Hi everyone, I would like to share the story of my beautiful girl Stella. Stella was larger than life, and captured my heart the moment I brought her home at 8 weeks old. She was such a joy to be around, and when I was with her, I always felt so important. I talked to her about everything, and she was always more than happy to listen. We shared so many fun times together. All the walks, all the playing, and especially all of the cuddles. Stella LOVED to cuddle, as did I. For most of her life, every time I got home from work, we’d nap together. She was my best friend.
In February of this year, we had brought her in for a teeth cleaning and also wanted a pea sized bump on her hind leg to be looked at. During her teeth cleaning, the vet aspirated it, and it didn’t look troubling, so they had it removed. Days later, the biopsy results came back, it was a Mast Cell Tumor. They strongly recommended putting her under again to get better margins, and I obliged. She ended up going under anesthesia again (the 2nd time in 9 days) as they took very large margins. After a couple of weeks, she was all healed up and we got back to life.
Later on that summer, starting in late June/early July, Stella started having accidents in the house. Ever since she was a pup, she would wet the bed in her sleep every 3 or 4 months, but we knew it was never intentional, we never worried about it and neither did our vet. During this summer, though, it became more frequent. It got to a point where she seemed to pee every time she fell asleep. So much so that she even peed on the couch at grandma and grandpa’s house, something she had never done. We spoke to our vet about it and they wanted to take a look at her urine.
At one point it was said that she had a UTI, and we started her on medication for it. The vet also prescribed DES capsules for the incontinence shortly after since her UTI appeared to clear up, but she was still having accidents. During this time, we had multiple waterproof bed liners, so it was never that big of a deal, we just had to wash the sheets and blankets more.
The DES capsules seemed to work mostly, so we were happy about that. Stella was such a proud dog, and she always seemed so disappointed in herself when she had an accident. As time went on, she started acting funny. She was starting to be a bit lethargic, didn’t bark as much (which she always liked to do) began to not want to come up stairs for after work naps as quickly (she’d always jump up at the sound of “nap time”).
We got in touch with the vet multiple times, and they were stumped. They did some blood work and nothing overly alarming was present, but they did say that her liver enzymes were a bit low. She was still happy to go on rides/walks and was eating and drinking normal.
It didn’t take long for her to get worse. In August, she started being unable to open her eyes. It started off slow, one day she could open them like normal, then one day she couldn’t. Going into September, it quickly got to the point where her iris/pupils weren’t even coming forward, even though her eyes were open. It’s like her eyes were sunken in the back of her head. We kept up with the vet about this, more blood work, nothing was found. One morning in the middle of September, I woke up to find her laying awake on the floor. This was highly unusual. She didn’t want her breakfast, and she appeared to be restless. She was circling around the house, couldn’t get comfortable, and kept laying in the corner by the front door. I’d seen enough, and I took her in.
The vet knew something was off, so they took an X-ray of her abdomen. They saw nothing. I believe at this point they instructed me to give her a Gabapentin and cook her up some chicken (she absolutely loved boiled chicken.) I followed their orders and took her home. I gave her a pain killer and cooked her chicken, and there was no change. She refused the chicken, and she was just as lethargic as before. Unable to get comfortable, circling around, all that. I took her back to the vet.
They took another X-ray, and this time they found gas trapped in her intestine. I told them it was extremely unlikely that she swallowed a toy or a sock or anything like that, so they suspected that her intestine had twisted. Stella was pexied when she was spayed as a pup, we always feared bloat. They told my girlfriend and I that they needed to go into emergency surgery or else she likely wouldn’t make it through the night. We didn’t even have to think about it, off to surgery we went.
The minutes seemed like hours as we waited for the call from the vet, we knew that exploratory surgery was risky. Around 7 that evening, they said she pulled through! We were so relieved. The joy was short lived, however, as they had troubling news. Her intestine wasn’t twisted, she had no obstruction, but they found several small white tumors along the inside of her intestine. They told us they thought it was cancer, and that we likely only had 3-4 weeks with her assuming she would eat.
The next day, we picked her up from the vet, just in shock. Days went on and she seemed to be healing up pretty well, but again she was in bad shape. Eyes to the back of her head, lethargy, discomfort, lack of appetite, etc. It was at this time that we thought we were going to lose her. We took her into the vet, and they had news for us. She didn’t have cancer! The biopsy showed that it was a disease called lymphangiectasia, and it was deemed to be a severe case. We didn’t know how to feel, but we were happy to hear that it was treatable. The vet gave us a guarded prognosis. With the diagnosis, they prescribed Prednisone, a steroid used to treat the lymphangiectasia.
We took her home, and immediately the steroid started to help. Her eyes could be seen again, and she could get comfortable, we were so relieved. She still wasn’t eating or drinking a whole lot, though, but more than she had been. Days later, she even started to eat a close to normal amount again, and she was cleared to begin going on car rides and small walks again. The improvement didn’t last.
Stella had a distended abdomen, and the lethargy/discomfort/hidden eyes were back. We took her in again, and the vet ordered an X-ray and an ultra sound. They found fluid in her abdomen as well as gas. On top of that, now they said she had developed Pancreatitis. The vet was worried that the fluid was from the intestine, meaning that her intestine wasn’t healing from the surgery and the only remedy would be to put her under again. This broke our hearts because when she was prescribed the prednisone, our vet told us it was a low dose because it could cause issues with her intestine healing properly. So to hear that it may not be healing correctly was devastating. Here we are treating her disease, but the treatment may have compromised her. We thought we were going to lose her again.
The vet drew some of the fluid and put it on a dish to see what kind of bacteria grew. We stayed at the vet with Stella that day, and towards the end, they said they were feeling good about the bacteria NOT being from the intestine (meaning that it was not compromised.) we were sent home. The next morning, we got the call that her intestine was ok! Once again, we dodged a bullet, and we were so happy.
At this point, we were 2 weeks removed from the surgery, and we were cleared to go on full length walks again! Stella still didn’t have a lot of strength, but she was happy to be at the park. Somethings were a bit off, like a squirrel running and scurrying right in front of her, but she seemingly didn’t see it, and she still wouldn’t bark hardly. At home and getting into the car, she needed some assistance. She needed a push to get up the ramp into the car, and she could no longer jump up on the bed (so we’d use the ramp I built her to help her there as well.) We had 4 promising days with this improved life, she was eating and drinking well, but again it didn’t last.
Before I go on further, I want to make a point on her medications and her eating habits. Between the prednisone, Clavamox, Rutin (a supplement) metronidazole, and cerenia, some days she was taking 20-25 pills a day. At the highest point, she was taking 28. At the lowest point, she was taking 12 or so. Since the exploratory surgery to free the trapped gas, she would sometimes go days only eating the equivalent of a single cans worth of food. With the lymphangiectasia, she could only eat prescription low fat food and/or boiled chicken.
On October 9th, she had a checkup, they wanted to do more blood work. She wasn’t doing too well that morning, but she was able to get into the car with assistance. What follows is an event that I’ll never forget. As we were taking her back for blood work (we were allowed to be with her when they did it to make her more comfortable) she started acting very odd. She was seemingly sniffing and looked very confused. Suddenly, she collapsed into a violent, full on grand mal seizure. All hands on deck, the vets and techs rushed to her, hooking her up to wires, injected her with Valium, and I don’t know what else. When she came to, she was so lost, and she cried. We were devastated. The seizure was so violent, she broke blood vessels in her left eye causing it to bulge.
I remember the vet saying something like “this just escalated things.” The day is somewhat of a blur, but I know that her heart appeared to be ok, and they had her put into their makeshift kennel (a gated section in the wall.) my girlfriend and I stayed in this kennel with her all day. At the end of the day, they said they needed to hold her, which was understandable. Our vet said that a brain tumor was a possibility, but she feared that Stella was too weak to go under anesthesia to have the MRI. I certainly didn’t want to run the risk of her not waking up, but in hindsight, I regret not having her head scanned. We left at 8 that evening, and Stella was so sedated that she hardly noticed, which made leaving her a bit easier.
The next morning, the vet called us and said they were still monitoring her, and asked if we could bring in some boiled chicken and egg whites for her since she was refusing the prescription wet food. I prepared the meal, and off to the vet we went to spend the day with her. Stella seemed a bit happier, but obviously not well. She ate a few pieces of chicken, but not much else. She was however drinking water a lot, something she hadn’t been doing much in the previous week. She had fevers on and off that day, so the vet would have ice packs placed under her and had fans blowing on her. The blood work showed that her heart and kidneys seemed to be ok, but her liver enzymes were a bit lower than the last time. They ordered another x Ray and ultrasound. Lungs looked ok, liver was a bit enlarged.
We were told that Stella wasn’t urinating or defecating for them, so they said maybe us going out with her and the tech would help. We went with her, and the way she was walking was incredibly sad. It’s as if she forgot how to move her legs, and she was very weak. She did end up peeing after about 10 minutes, but I know it wasn’t easy for her. We went back to her kennel and stayed with her as she rested.
Later on that day, she was having accidents in her kennel, which included diarrhea. Before we had to leave at closing time, we got to go out with her again, and she tried to defecate while standing upwards, causing diarrhea to be all over her bottom/tail. We came back in with her, cleaned her up, and then it was time for us to leave (we could only stay until closing time.) Unlike the previous night, Stella was well aware that we were leaving, and I could see the sadness in her eyes.
The next day, Thursday the 11th, we got a call in the morning that was concerning. Stella weighed in at 126 on Tuesday the 9th, and somehow by the 11th she gained 12 pounds up to 138. Fluid was leaking into her abdomen. They told us they wanted to drain the fluid, and they did. They said they got about 2 liters worth of fluid out. The fluid draw caused the majority of her abdomen to bruise terribly. The vet also said her blood work wasn’t great, as her platelet count was very low. They asked us if they could do a plasma transfusion. Again, we said ok. Anything to help her.
We were told that we could come see her, and the sight of her going through the transfusion really broke me. She received 5 bags or “units” of plasma, and they monitored her again. By all accounts, the transfusion went well, and she didn’t have a fever all day. Due to the IV, she was hydrated, and she ate just a little early afternoon. We told the vet that if her staying overnight again is instrumental to her recovery, then by all means keep her. That being said, we really did want to bring her home, because we could tell all these vet visits/needles/tests were beginning to take a toll on her mentally, as well as on us. The vet looked over her test results more, and agreed that there likely wasn’t a whole lot more that they could do there that we couldn’t do at home. They prescribed everything that she was on while being hospitalized, and they scheduled a follow up the next day.
When we left that day, she was still very weak, and couldn’t walk right. To this day, part of be believes the seizure really messed her up, but I’m not a doctor. She wasn’t able to get onto the ramp into my girlfriend’s car, even with assistance, so I went home and got my car that’s much lower to the ground. She struggled to get in my car, but we helped her and got her home. Once home, we had the entire living room made out to be a bed with blankets and such since we knew she wasn’t going to be able to go up and down the stairs or get into bed. Stella was able to get comfortable and sleep that night, but she wasn’t interested in food or water.
The next morning, we gave Stella her medications and tried to feed her, but she wasn’t interested. She did drink a little water. She spent most of the day laying down, as she couldn’t really get up. In fact, from the night of the 11th to the day of the 15th, Stella got up maybe 4 times a day, but only 3 times total on her own. We spoke to the vet, and explained how weak she was. The vet said that we could wait a couple more days before ordering more blood work since she was on the medications for her issues.
There wasn’t a lot of improving through the weekend. She would eat a little at times, then not again for a long while. She wanted to drink at little at times (a few licks here and there) then would go up to 12 hours without wanting water. There was no interest in toys, nor was there much interest in sun bathing (which she loved.) On Saturday, at one point while she was outside and trying to go pee, she fell down and didn’t even try to get up. I assisted her, and we got her back inside. She did have a loose poo on Saturday as well, she hadn’t tried since Wednesday night (when she got the diarrhea on her bottom). When she could pee, it would take her 5-10 minutes of constant circling to do so. When I would return from the store with more chicken for her, some times she would lift her head and perk her ears a bit, but sometimes she wouldn’t. She never tried to get up to greet me, something she always had done.
Given that she wasn’t eating the prescription food and would only eat the chicken sometimes, we didn’t want to risk hiding her pills in her chicken, because then she wouldn’t eat at all. Sadly, this meant we had to throw pills down her throat every time she was due for them. Stella wasn’t improving, but we kept trying to focus on the positives, even though they were few and far in between. The best thing that happened in her final days was she actually got herself up and came to eat on Saturday! She actually got up two times that day, within the same hour, and I was so incredibly proud of her, and a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Saturday the 13th was also when we had our first snow of the season, and that was a god send for her. Stella loved her snow treats, and being that she wouldn’t drink hardly, she was able to have some hydration due to the snow. That night, she acted strangely again. We got her up to go pee, and she stumbled into the kitchen near the dishwasher, and just stood in the corner. I got her to go into our gated back patio, and after all the circling, she didn’t pee, which wasn’t unusual anymore. When we tried getting her back in though, she went to the side of the sliding glass door and again, just stood there. It was as if she didn’t know that if she stood 4 inches to the left, she could come in. I had to gently pull her over, and then it’s like she remembered where she was, and ended up coming in. During these final days, we were checking her temperature every hour. Shortly after being home (Friday night or Saturday morning) she would develop fevers. We had a whole system of fans and ice packs ready when she got one, and it was heartbreaking to see her be so cold (she would shiver) but it was necessary.
Sunday, things got worse. I was on my way home from the store when my girlfriend called me in a panic, Stella was having another grand mal seizure. I raced home as fast as I could, and when I arrived only minutes after, the seizure had stopped. This was so devastating to us because when the first seizure struck at the vet on the 11th, our vet hoped it was stress related since we had been in and out of the vet’s office for weeks. That afternoon, more of the same, little to no eating, no drinking, no change in demeanor. More pills, more trying to get her to eat, more attempts at giving her water. She ate a little on Sunday around 4 pm, and that was it for the day.
Come Sunday night, it was my shift to stay awake and keep an eye on Stella, and she was in bad shape. She was just laying on her side, breathing a little strange, staring at the wall. I hoped that she was just sleeping with her eye open, and I slowly waved my hand in front of her, her eye reacted. I felt like she was in pain, even though she had taken a Gabapentin about 4 hours prior. As far as the breathing went, she would breath oddly from time to time in the final 1.5 weeks, but I wouldn’t call it “labored.” I asked the vet about it and she said it was probably pain related. I went outside to gather a small snowball for Stella, and she wouldn’t lift her head. So, I placed it in her mouth on top of her tongue, and she did nothing with it. It just...sat there. She didn’t even try to move it around, let alone swallow it. I woke my girlfriend up and we both continued to comfort her, until eventually Stella fell asleep.
4:30 Am Monday morning, and we woke in a frantic. Stella was having another seizure. At 6:30 AM, another. The vet opened at 8 and we called right away. We told them about what was happening and they said they were going to send a couple of techs out later that morning to take some blood. We asked about what we should do if she has another seizure, and they advised us to inject the Valium that they prescribed us into her rectal area. Around 9:30, we got her up, and we got her to eat a little! She actually ate about a whole turkey breast, again we were a little happy. This was progress.
Stella went back to her bed, and as she drifted off into sleep by 10:30 AM, another seizure. This was the 4th since Sunday afternoon, and the 3rd in 6 hours, each was getting worse than the last. Quickly, I did as the vet advised, and squirted the Valium into her anus.
The techs came out shortly after and drew some blood, and then we did what we became so accustomed to. We waited for the results. At noon, we got the call. Stella’s albumin levels were a little better, but she was dehydrated again. Her white blood cell count was higher than they ever recorded it, her liver enzymes were lower than they ever recorded them, and her platelet count was just about as low as it had been prior to the plasma transfusion. We were told previously by our vet that in the event that a dog has a low platelet count, they run the risk of bleeding out internally if they fall down or somehow hit their body on something. One of my biggest regrets is what I said next. I asked our vet “are we at the end of our rope here?” To which she replied “I think so.”
Throughout all of this, whenever the future seemed bleak, our vet was always the one who would say “this doesn’t look great, but let’s try this.” To hear her say “I think so” took the air right out of my chest. She said that she and her techs would make a house call that afternoon if we wanted to help Stella pass, and we agreed. At 2:30 pm on October 15th, I said goodbye to my best friend. My girlfriend and I petted her, told her how good of a girl she was, gave her kisses and kisses. I knew she could feel how nervous we were, and I remember asking her “Do you want to go to Heaven?” I said this with perkiness in my voice just to try to make her happy, but it killed me to say it. As the drug was about to be injected into her, Stella tried lifting her head to me, and I question if it was to make me stop what I was doing.
It’s been about 5 weeks since that day, and I’m over come with guilt. I’ve felt myself come close to having a mental break. I killed my best friend, and I don’t know how to live with myself. She was so strong, and she always beat everything. I robbed her of the chance to fight, even though I felt that her spirit was willing to keep fighting. I relive that final day over and over again, and it’s a nightmare. I know Stella couldn’t do anything that she loved, even simple things like sun bathing, but at least she could sleep. The final 3 seizures that she had all came in her sleep, waking her in a panic. The ONE THING that she still had was taken from her. I am so guilty over this, she had just turned 6 years old in July. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself, and maybe I shouldn’t. Stella was everything to me, and I let her go.
People say to me “if you decided to keep fighting, would it have been for you, or for her?” And I counter that with “was me letting her go for her, or for me?” How much did the fear of the situation come into play in my decision? I look back to that day, and even though she was miserable, I regret doing what I did. At the time, I felt strongly in my heart that it was time, that she didn’t deserve to suffer like this anymore with no recovery in sight, but I should’ve held on, I should’ve been strong like Stella. Hell, she actually ate that morning! I knew we probably weren’t going to be able to cure Stella of all her issues, but she still may have been able to get better enough to have quality in her life again. I took that possibility away from her. She was only 6 years old, what have I done.
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