NDR - When your family sucks

[texaco55]

Gosh I'm sorry you have been put in this yucky position...family is well, they can be tough.

Not to pile on, but I agree...I would tell my sister to either shape up or ship out asap. SHe is a GUEST, she is not entitled nor should she expect to rearrange your life, your home or especially your relationships.

I think what you are saying is that you do not believe that these people are ever going to treat your dog with respect and that in fact you believe the situation is going to get worse. See, that's totally unfair to you and especially to your dog. And their awful behavior can cause permanent scars on your beloved pet. That's unacceptable in my book.

I understand that people (especially family) have to come first, however, you are NOT responsible for caring for your sister or her kids. What would she have done if you hadn't offered her a free ride? I dare say she would have figured out a way to leave her husband with or without you.

It's time to explore some other living arrangement possibilities because she clearly doesn't have any respect for your feelings or she would have curbed that whole "I'm not a dog person" attitude (which is just an excuse for her to treat you and your dog badly) and put a little effort into making everyone's lives less stressful. Would you have gone into her home and treated her husband like he was a dangerous savage beast that you wished would leave and never be heard from again? That's exactly what she is doing to you and it's totally unfair to you both.

So sorry you are in such a difficult spot, but as a former burn vicitim of my own family I can tell you that if she can't respect a simple and reasonable request to treat your dog with respect and care and are acting this bad after only 3 weeks....imagine your life and her behavior a year from now . Imagine if you dog becomes so confused and afraid of these kids that she does nip or jump on one of them one day...double !

This kind of behavior, this attitiude that she doesn't have to take your feelings into account when she acts it only escalates, I promise it never gets better...I learned that the hard way. I would ask them to leave before feelings and resentment gets so out of control that you never want to speak to her again...also from experience


sorry this got so long, and double sorry you are going through this.

I hope your words can get through to her and she'll start really hearing your concerns before it goes too far...

[kgwinn]

I appreciate all the feedback, but I should clarify. It's not MY house entirely either. I was living on my own in a small condo, but when the impending divorce happened, it became obvious that my sister was going to be homeless if we didn't come up with a plan, so we made some changes.

Our mother, who has been in San Diego, agreed to move to Phoenix as well, so mom and I rented a huge 5 bedroom house together for the same money we were spending on two smaller places. She hasn't been able to be here full time yet because of her job, but her stuff is here and she's back and forth all the time. We cover the expenses and fully intended to have my sister and the kids living here without having to pay anything until she's able to find a job. Once she does, she'll be contributing to rent and/or utilities in whatever small way she can. The plan has always been for her to get her own place as soon as she's financially able, but the decision to pursue the paralegal program has made it less likely that she'll be able to do that within the next two years.

So this was always intended to be a communal living situation in order to offer her support. While I'd like nothing more than to be happily and quietly living on my own with my dog and cat again, I won't be for quite a while. I can't kick the family out, no matter what they do, partly because it's not entirely my decision to make and partly because she has $40 to her name and no job prospects and would literally be homeless with her kids on the streets. Of course I'm not doing that. She and the kids have been through hell and this is supposed to be a safe shelter for them for as long as they need it.

I did everything I could to prepare her for realistic expectations of life with the dog, and she seemed to understand, but I think she's been so overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted that she didn't really process it. So now it's like those conversations never happened and we're starting from square one.

Molly isn't in danger, she's just confused and upset because she's never met a human who didn't love her or that she couldn't be affectionate with. I know she's struggling to make sense of a change in the rules for how she's allowed to behave in her own home, and I'm working with her to keep things as normal as possible, making any necessary adjustments in a training language and context that she already understands. I'm counteracting all the weirdness from them with as much love and positive reinforcement as I can possibly give her for all the things she's doing right in spite of the mixed signals she gets.

I guess what I'm asking for is any advice from anyone who had similar "not dog people" in their lives about how to lead them into more positive relationships with dogs or at least tips and tricks for managing the situation or communicating better about it. That's the only option I have left, and so far it hasn't been working.

[Dickie Best]

Your post is in regards to the well being of your dog and its well being will not be fulfilled under circumstances you have described . Its situation is nothing short of a disaster in the making simply put . You have some tough choices to make on behalf of your dog , some of which are obvious . We hate it for you . Good luck .

[texaco55]

I think the suggetsion of having them do some training with her is a great one to get them more involved in Molly's life. Help them form a bond with her. Maybe even teaching her a trick would help them see how smart she is and how much fun it is to play with her. Clicker training is super easy and you don't have to be a dog trainer to teach with one.

Good luck! Hope it all evens out as everyone settles in and gets comfy. maybe it's just the stress of all that's going on...

[jeann1230]

In all respect, but when I am penniless and depending on relatives to feed and house me and my children:

a) I do not bite the hand that feeds me (meaning I try to adjust to anything in the household and try not to cause a problem).
b) I do not start an education putting my relatives even farther out, I'll get a job, and do my utmost to be as soon as possible on my own two feet again.

Helping family is great, and often necessary in todays time. But, I am sorry my sacrifice and love would not go so far that I would pay for everything and got talked "shit" to or having my own and my pets life restricted in the progress. Your sister is the one in need, not you. So she should make adjustments, not you or your dog.

[Cloudyskyy]

With the kids - you could have them help walk your pup. Maybe when they see how much attention a Dane gets and the excitement from total strangers may change their attitudes towards your pup.

[M.Loprete]

Is Molly crate trained? I'm also worried about how they treat her when you're not there. I would keep her confined to your room or her crate when you aren't around as much as possible.

Such a crappy situation!! I would show them this thread!!

[danelover1]

Basically, they are turning Molly into the dog they had. You could very well end up with a mess of a dog if you don't get them out of there. Sister or not, no one abuses my son or animals. Molly is at a very important age where this behavior (both mental and physical) is going to affect her forever if it doesn't stop.

I have to wonder what they do to her when you are not home? If they are doing these things in front of you, imagine what they are doing when you are not around. This is very sad and it sounds like you have a very ungrateful sister. Maybe I am mean, but I'd kick her and her kids to the curb.

I absolutely agree !!!!

[DaphneandRoscoe]

Molly isn't in danger, she's just confused and upset because she's never met a human who didn't love her or that she couldn't be affectionate with. I know she's struggling to make sense of a change in the rules for how she's allowed to behave in her own home, and I'm working with her to keep things as normal as possible, making any necessary adjustments in a training language and context that she already understands. I'm counteracting all the weirdness from them with as much love and positive reinforcement as I can possibly give her for all the things she's doing right in spite of the mixed signals she gets.

You need to understand that Molly IS in danger. There's a short developmental window in every dog's life when the dog is extremely sensitive to it's environment. The number of negative encounters Molly has with your sister and her children during this time can dramatically influence how she ends up as an adult.

You said yourself in your first post "Poor Molly is stressed out, confused, and starting to get nervous around the youngest." If this continues Molly is going to be a basket case and who knows...she may end up biting this child. The worst biter is a fear biter. She is at a very vulnerable age and this behavior by these people should never be tolerated. IMO no animal deserves to be treated this way-young or old. You are going to end up with some serious issues if you don't put a stop to this immediately.

You can't 'make up' for what they are doing to her. She knows you are good to her, but meanwhile they are damaging your pup. Personally, I think this is a very serious situation and I cannot imagine letting anyone ever treat one of my animals this way. I feel horribly sad for Molly.

I highly doubt they are going to change. Your sister and her children have lived and learned their behavior and treatment is ok.

[dan4011]

I totally understand how you cant kick them out under any circumstances. But like others said, i think you have to see if you can get them interested in your dog, have them form a bond with her. How old is molly btw?

Also, like others said it worries me what they might do to the dog when you are away. Even though it might not seem like it they are probably at least somewhat treating the dog better than they normally would because you are there. You can probably expect that treatment to disappear when you are gone, I guess what would worry me is their past with their dog and the abuse they gave it. I dont know about the people where you live but around here im willing to bet more people than not beat the shit out of their dogs as part of their "training".

If your dog is crate trained I would crate her when your not at the house as often as possible. Also if your dog cant stand being in the crate while people are around its probably a good time to get her used to it before you class or works starts.

I know it sounds crazy, but in your situation I would probably set up a hidden camera just to see how they treat the dog when you are not around (im being semi-serious) Im VERY weary about who I will let dog sit or who I will leave my dog with, people like that just dont give a crap about your dog especially when you arent around to witness it. Its crazy to believe that anyone ESPECIALLY a kid can not like dogs, i just dont get it.... but hey, im a dog person i guess.

[jimsjer]

As others have said, your dog is really impressionable right now, and from what you describe it sounds like the impression she is getting is that people can act really nice or really mean. This type of treatment can make your dog insecure. It is not a large step from insecure to scared, and an even smaller step from scared to defensive.

I hate to say this, If you are unable to get your sister and her children to change their behavior quickly, you owe it to your dog to rehome her now, so that you aren't putting her down for fear based aggression or looking to a rescue to rehab her later.

[maggiemay98]

I know you love your sister and she may have been through a rough time, but that doesn't give her free rein to be a selfish nasty person and to allow her kids to be little brats. I agree 110% with Jeanne in that she's being completely ungrateful and taking advantage. Why can't she work and go to school to help with finances???? Millions of people do it every day. I did. Like it's already been mentioned, Molly is very impressionable at this age and the treatment she's getting from your family could have a permanent negative effect. If it were me, I'd have a family meeting with Mom and Sis and explain the problem and let them know that if their behavior continues, you, Molly, and your half of the rent will be moving out.